I have avoided the conversation of my relationship status around valentines day, if you follow my blog you would know I am not shy when it comes to speaking about being single. However around this time of the year I try to focus on anything and everything else to distract myself from feeling lonely. But with social media and all the valentines day gifts in every shop, it is pretty hard to pretend this day doesn’t exists.
There are two main stories that are shared around this time of the month; one being of the happy couples sharing their love for each other with grand gestures and then there’s the ones who talk about being single. I didn’t think there would be much to talk about, but I forget how much I love to write so this is going to be more than I expected it to be.
If I am completely honest with you, it’s only around this time of the month that I actually think about my relationship status. I’m not riddled with self pity or upset by the lack of partner In my life. I do however think about the reality of still not feeling ready for a relationship.
Watching the snaps and seeing the cute Instagram uploads actually makes me wish I had someone to chill with… but hey, when you’ve been single for as long as you have to find ways to enjoy your own company… I’m not just talking sexually, but generally just enjoying your own company. I’ve been in the single game for so long I’ve adapted a liking to being by myself. I have always been the kind of person who enjoys my own space anyways, but the lack of relationships has made this even more apparent in my life. I can’t even imagine myself in a relationship at the moment because all I can think about is giving up my me time, not being able to just do as I please.
I can barely communicate my feelings to myself, imagine me trying to explain myself to a dude lol. Male attention is great, I mean who doesn’t like to feel appreciated and a good old flirty interaction every now and again keeps things interesting, but I think my lack of interest in a relationship doesn’t go unnoticed and that contributes to my current status. Does it bother me? I would love to say no, but in a way it does. I care too much about what people think of me, so I am curious to know what kind of vibe I give off to guys. I want to know if I come across the way I think I do, disinterested.
Developing a better understanding of myself has helped me to identify a few of the reasons why the thought of being in a relationship gives me anxiety. It may sound strange, but it honestly does. I am still in the process of improving my confidence, my lack of confidence has allowed others to take advantage of me and the more i distance myself from people the safer I feel. If I am not around certain people I do not have to worry about saying no. In my head I am this super opinionated, assertive woman, but in person I can shy away from asserting myself and find myself finding it difficult to say what I want to say. So I guess you could say being single is self care, a way of coping with my own feelings towards relationships. I see so many people lose themselves in relationships, it is something I fear. I know relationships can contribute to people finding themselves as well, it isn’t all negative.
Self care is looking after yourself and maintaining a healthy lifestyle right? So remaining single gives me the time to focus on all the things I want to improve, it essentially forces you to love yourself. I am only now getting to stage where I am more accepting of myself. I have a lot more work to do, but being single has given me the clear focus I need. I think I am in a really fortunate position, some women do not get to discover themselves until they’re out of a relationship.
By Saabirah Lawrence