This article is about the struggles that come with trying to love the self.
Me and self love have an awkward relationship. Some days, it won’t answer my calls. Won’t text back. Other days we are on good terms, we send each other love notes in the form of smiles and minimal hiding.
I remember when I was a little girl and we were best friends. I never questioned our relationship. Then as I grew older, I started watching other people and we became distant. Too busy scrolling to have a chat. Became an obsession- that I didn’t look like her, or smile like her, or laugh like her, or sing like her, or fill a room with sound like her – I, of course– wasn’t her.
Her being ‘they’ really. The multiple girls who turned to women who I watched and envied. Not just the way they looked, the way the air sat differently around them, the way they spoke like speaking was easy, the way they danced like they weren’t watching anyone.
Some years later, I called self love. I said something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry I let you go’. Of course it accepted my apology….. Me and self love have an awkward relationship. Some days it won’t answer my calls but not because of it, because of me. I only let it ring once some days. Turn my phone to flight mode after sending the text. I guess I’m trying to say, I have created an awkward relationship. Want to keep it close, but my mind likes to play games. Likes to tell me it doesn’t really want me around, that I am not good enough.
On the good days, it picks up after one ring and I can’t hide. The flight mode button freezes. It catches me long enough to say ‘I’ve missed you’ and I can’t quite remember why I tried to shut it out.